A Quiet Upheaval

Are0h dropped this 2022 Jul Sun 31

Image by FLY:D

Personally, moments of profound transition have always been marked with a tumultuous and uncomfortable feeling of unease and instability to the extent that if I don't feel these things, I wonder if anything worthwhile is happening. That fundamental disquiet has always been a marker that Personal Growth™ was happening.

This is not to say it is not here to some extent as I start my journey into therapy. There is still that less than surefooted and ultra cautiousness that comes with moving forward into unfamiliar territory. A deep personal inventory is still anxiety-inducing. Being honest with oneself isn't always velvet ropes and champagne dreams.

Perhaps I've found a relative comfort with being uncomfortable as I visit some of the places in my personality that don't see much sunlight. Maybe I've become so used to the constant loop of reassessing, applying, and adjusting that that off-putting feeling of not being quite balanced at any given moment that reeling all the time feels like a lifestyle.

Ha, ok, that's not exactly true. I'm still just as anxious as ever.

My methodology around assessment has always happened in a vacuum, save for the moments I have decided are appropriate to open to close friends, family, etc. Even in these moments, it feels like I am retelling my vulnerabilities for transparency rather than bringing them into my process. Not because the desire to include them in that way isn't there, but I believe the bulk of responsibility for dealing with the not-so-savory parts of my personality falls with me. We all have our daily struggles.

So while the experience of being radically open is new, and I am still orienting myself around it, there is an unexpected level of affirmation and comfort that I am experiencing because of deciding to engage the traumas and hurts that stand between me actively and being whole thinking and feeling empathetic person. A level of peace has come along with investing myself in that way, even though I still don't have all the answers to my innermost challenges.

Yes, it's true. I am a mess as I lay bear the issues that have haunted me for years. I still have moments of acute anxiety to the point that all I want to do is stay in my room with the curtains drawn. I'm still that person.

But there is a confidence that comes with having the audacity to dare to be better. To look your experiences in the face and decide they will not define you. You will define yourself.

Knowing that truth is one thing but feeling it in your body is awesome to the extent that I can't quantify it with words at the moment.